Chemical Dependency

From SSY

So apparently the original press statement Glasgow’s Labour Council were going to release regarding Stephen Purcell’s resignation described a “chemical dependency” of his as being the reason for his standing down. Of course, SSY is in no position to make any informed comment regarding such accusations. We can however, make informed speculation as to what the chemical dependency may or may not be. Of course we have to make clear that the chemical dependency could be one, many, all or none of these things.

1) Stephen Purcell is obsessed with making model volcanoes.

We all know someone who has fallen into volcano addiction. First it begins with small models, perhaps only the size of a molehill but eventually expands to the size of a back garden, swamping friends and loved ones in baking soda. The process of lies begins with an excessive amount of bicarbonate soda – all to be used in “baking cakes” which never seem to materialise.

But was Purcell a Volcanolic? Was his abscence during the Save our Schools campaign due to an obsessive desire to recreate Krakatoa in the bathroom of central chambers? Labour sources have revealed nothing.

2. Bunsen Burner fetishes.

Most times a bunsen burner is a vital piece of scientific equipment which should be dealt with caution in youth as a source of burny flames. However in the hands of a hardened bunsenaholic like Purcell the burner becomes an altogether more sinister piece of equipment.

Purcell could have spent literally days locked in his office burning various transitional elements, alkali metals and, given the correct equipment various noble gases. There is a time and a place for science but when the leader of Scotland’s largest council spends days conducting scientific experiments already extensively confirmed by various scientific institutions it is time for concerned families to ask questions.

3) Mentos and Coca Cola.

It begins as a joke – perhaps dropping one mento into a bottle of Diet Coke in someones front room at a house party, and watching as the room is covered with fizzy shite. But even this simple pastime can drag someone down the dark, souless road of an addict.

Did Stephen Purcell amass gigantic quantities of Diet Cola – up to 3 metric tonnes according to some sources – and subject it to mentos? Despite a lack of evidence, we can say with confidence almost certainly yes.

4. Fabric softener.

Take a look at Stephen Purcell. I think we can all agree he’s a well dressed man, ready to go out and do his best for the people of Glasgow. But did certain cleaning substances go beyond the realms of appropriate hygiene and into a murky world of fabric softener obsession? Did Purcell take regular half hour breaks from important council meetings to plunge his head into baskets of freshly laundered clothes, to get off on the smell of febreeze? Certainly not on taxpayers time and money, SSY hopes.

5. Distillation.

Distillation is essential for separating crude oil into various fractions which can be used for various purposes – fuels etc. But Stephen Purcells interest in this chemical process is rumoured to go far beyond either an amateur or even higher chemistry student interest.

Sources at Grangemouth say someone matching Stephen Purcell’s description has been secretly infiltrating the plant to oversee important chemical processes. Sources say that so far it has only been due to Purcell’s extensive obsession with safety that a major disaster at Grangemouth and several other plants has been avoided.

***

Of course we have no idea which of these chemical dependencies could be accurate or not, hopefully this has simply been an error made by Glasgow City Council and it has in fact been Stephen Purcells tireless fight against schools, binmen, and trade unions across the city which has got him so tired and exhausted.

After all, whenever SSY is exhausted there’s nothing we like better than having a sit down, cup o tea, watch a dvd and tell a high profile legal team to absolutely cut the shit out of anyone who even suggests weve been up to anything dodgy whatsoever like.

UPDATE: STV

Further update: Daily Record



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